Give Me My Salad Now.

I stopped in at one of my favorite cheapo eateries, Zaxby's, on Sunday. The chain is known for its fried chicken and seasoned-salt-soaked french fries, but I've been trying to eat less like a 10-year-old boy lately, so I was pretty much planning on ordering a salad. I squinted up at the menu (something I don't customarily have to do) and saw that the Zensation Zalad was back, for a limited time. A longtime fan of the Black and Blue Zalad (blackened chicken and blue cheese), I had heard from several people that the Zensation was, by far, the best Zalad Zaxby's had ever cooked up. Or assembled up. Whatever.

So I gave the ingredients listed below the delicious-looking photo a cursory glance and then ordered it, the salad I had heard so much about: The Zensation.

The boy behind the cash register looked at me disbelievingly.
Boy: Do you know what's in that?
Me: Uh, I looked at the ingredient list on the menu...
Boy: Are you sure?
Me, laughing lightly: I'm pretty sure. Why, is it not good?
Boy: Do you know what Asian Slaw is?
Me: Um, it probably has cabbage and stuff in it, right?
Boy: You like Asian Slaw?
Me: As far as I know. Why not?
Boy, looking at me now as if I were an alien: O.K., but don't say I didn't warn you.
Me: I think I can handle it.

You know what, debbie downer behind the register? I can practically see your fraternity shirt pulsing through your Zaxby's uniform. I can imagine your croakie hanging from the review mirror of your large SUV with tinted windows and a sound system. Before you even spoke, I knew that you were entirely unfamiliar with food other than "American" food. Maybe the conversation should have gone like this.

Boy: Do you know what's in that?
Me: I can read, asshole.
Boy: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, I'm sure. Would I have ordered with such authority if I was unsure about myself?
Boy: Do you know what Asian Slaw is?
Me: Why yes, I do. I spend every second of my free time watching cooking shows, reading culinary magazines, and concocting the same such things as "Asian Slaw" in my inadequate kitchen!
Boy: You like Asian Slaw?
Me: I eat Asian Slaw for breakfast!!
Boy, looking at me now as if I were an alien: O.K., but don't say I didn't warn you.
Me: Warn this! (and I dump a bucket of Asian Slaw on his head)

Turns out the Zalad was DELICIOUS, and I reserve all-caps words for very special occasions.

D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S.